So lately these days, I have been feeling down, as in REALLY DOWN. I don't even know what to do and I just somewhere to express this feelings I have. All of this negativity inside me that is about to explode. It's better off posting it here rather than my social media accounts because no one would be really be able to see this. Yeh, probably no one because I am invincible just like that.
So, depression. I feel like people's lives can go on even without me. Like I'm very insignificant and just nothing. People would come to me if they need stuff and then they just go. I love the feeling of being needed but it only lasts for like 3 seconds.
I know I have my family and I really love them very much. That's why I'm staying strong because I don't want them to be down just because of me. Specially right now that I am a senior student. They just have hopes for me that I really want to accomplish but I just feel so empty. They have given me more than enough love but why do I still have this emptiness in me.
I also have my friends and of course I appreciate them for being there but I don't really have a friend. Like someone who is always there for you. Often times, I would find myself alone in class with no one to be with and everyone will be with their groups and I will travel all around the room just to find somewhere that I will fit in. Why am I like this? Why can't I be like that?
I feel that someone can replace me. My talents, are talents anyone can learn easily if they just practice really hard. Just like the piano, everyone can be a pianist if they just believe. A computer guy, I usually get those skills from the internet in which everyone can see and learn.
I know that this is bad but I also know what is the right thing to do. I know what is good but why can't I incorporate it into myself. Why can't I be myself. I would always try to be myself but the thing is being myself isn't like being everyone else. Being myself is like the minority. I feel like everything is oppressed against me.
I feel so under appreciated yet probably I don't even need that much appreciation. I don't really know what I'm doing.
I feel so depressed yet I do not show it to anyone. Why am I like this? In school, I would separate this depression and be like my jolly old self because I do not want people to be down because of me. I am already a heavy burden and I don't want myself to become heavier to them. I just want to be happy but at the end of the day, I can't stop thinking of this and that. I always laugh and be happy but I m wearing a mask, a mask that protects me from hardships yet they still seem to pass through my cover, maybe behind my head.
I just want to shout something, anything. I just want to AHHHHHHH. I want to express all of this negativity without hurting anybody but this negativity affects how I think of people, and how they think of me.
I know that every life has a meaning and mine probably has too, I hope so. I wouldn't want to end my life just because of this yet at the same time, ARGHH. I had near experiences of wanting to give up and just end it right here, right now. But I want to be someone yet I still feel like no one. I just really don't want this anymore. I am tired. I am broken. Yet if you fix something, you could always see those cracks that's why I use a facade that always breaks. I am broken.
Friday, August 1, 2014
Sunday, February 16, 2014
English Time • Memories Chime
Third year is seriously a blast but sadly everything has to end, even happy ones. Every moment I had spent during this year was memorable may it be good or bad. It's those moments that you wish time doesn't exist. Instances you want time to take a rest and stop from moving all together. It's just that good. Sadly, that isn't possible and as time marches on, there is nothing we can do but enjoy it while it lasts for no one knows when this kind of moments will come again, or it may not come ever but that's okay since if we hold on to these memories in our hearts, we will be always to reenact or re-feel those times, those happy moments. A ton of these moments were felt, were brought to heart during the last subject of every weekday, English.
English is not only a subject but it's also a place, a way of life. Those different literary pieces that would just make you feel that you were part of them, times you wish that you become a different person. Ma'am has a way with people. She knows how to make the topic interesting even if you don't like it. She's just that good. When she introduced to us William Shakespeare and his amazing pieces, I wasn't really into it since I am not a fan of reading or anything near it but as ma'am speaks, I slowly felt a passion inside of me wanting to be unleashed. It made me like his pieces and even make my own. Dante's Divine Comedy was also a fun memory. Those parts that I didn't understand was easily understood as if by magic like each word that comes out from ma'am is a spell, a spell of goodness. It wasn't just about the subject but it was also about the teacher herself.
But English isn't only about stories and grammatical lessons, it was also about being part of something real. I don't know how to explain it but you just feel it when you do. Through each experience ma'am told us, through each joke ma'am threw us, through each class or group performance, may it be jazz chant, play, or anything, that would make us stronger, through each answer of each of our classmate on ma'am questions about ourselves, through the way she moves people is just really amazing. English time had its happy and sad moments. These moments, good or bad, I've always held them close into me. They've taught me a ton of things. There would be even times that my jaws would hurt from smiling. Of course there are also bad memories but as they say "any exposure is good exposure." It means that if we take this things at the right way, there won't be bad memories. There will always be a good outcome of anything.
Of course this doesn't only apply to the English subject, but my journey being a third year as a whole. I have met lots of people from different years but it pains me that I only met some of them when they are already going to graduate. The seniors are seriously fun people and why haven't I noticed this before. I had friends from their batch in my younger years but they were only them, no other was added. I just wish to live every moment I'm with them until they leave the school. There is also of course the adviser of our class. She knows how to have fun at the right place and right time. The bonds I have with my friends have gotten stronger than ever before. Those hardships we felt that would soon be just moments that will make us laugh. There are also sad moments when some of the most amazing teachers have to leave but it's okay since we understand. But these moments, good or bad, are what makes us stronger, tighter, and everything. We must go on no matter what.
The end of the school year is near and there is nothing we can do to stop it. I just hope that these moments never end but that's okay. I want other students to also feel what we felt during these times. No matter how hard it is, we should always learn to let go and keep moving forward. That is probably what ma'am also wants us to do. I know that time will still go on but what time doesn't know is that I have this little box. This little box of mine that I've always kept hidden that even I don't know where it is but this little box of mine that is sure to always have space for anything big of small, will make me remember of these moments each of us have shared. So do what you want, time, I can and will always reenact and re-feel what happens so just go keep on marching, fly, run, or anything. You will never be able to take this little box of mine. This little box of mine that contains all my heart, my memories, lessons, those amazing people I met, those things that are good to look back once in a while. So until again, we love you ma'am!
English is not only a subject but it's also a place, a way of life. Those different literary pieces that would just make you feel that you were part of them, times you wish that you become a different person. Ma'am has a way with people. She knows how to make the topic interesting even if you don't like it. She's just that good. When she introduced to us William Shakespeare and his amazing pieces, I wasn't really into it since I am not a fan of reading or anything near it but as ma'am speaks, I slowly felt a passion inside of me wanting to be unleashed. It made me like his pieces and even make my own. Dante's Divine Comedy was also a fun memory. Those parts that I didn't understand was easily understood as if by magic like each word that comes out from ma'am is a spell, a spell of goodness. It wasn't just about the subject but it was also about the teacher herself.
But English isn't only about stories and grammatical lessons, it was also about being part of something real. I don't know how to explain it but you just feel it when you do. Through each experience ma'am told us, through each joke ma'am threw us, through each class or group performance, may it be jazz chant, play, or anything, that would make us stronger, through each answer of each of our classmate on ma'am questions about ourselves, through the way she moves people is just really amazing. English time had its happy and sad moments. These moments, good or bad, I've always held them close into me. They've taught me a ton of things. There would be even times that my jaws would hurt from smiling. Of course there are also bad memories but as they say "any exposure is good exposure." It means that if we take this things at the right way, there won't be bad memories. There will always be a good outcome of anything.
Of course this doesn't only apply to the English subject, but my journey being a third year as a whole. I have met lots of people from different years but it pains me that I only met some of them when they are already going to graduate. The seniors are seriously fun people and why haven't I noticed this before. I had friends from their batch in my younger years but they were only them, no other was added. I just wish to live every moment I'm with them until they leave the school. There is also of course the adviser of our class. She knows how to have fun at the right place and right time. The bonds I have with my friends have gotten stronger than ever before. Those hardships we felt that would soon be just moments that will make us laugh. There are also sad moments when some of the most amazing teachers have to leave but it's okay since we understand. But these moments, good or bad, are what makes us stronger, tighter, and everything. We must go on no matter what.
The end of the school year is near and there is nothing we can do to stop it. I just hope that these moments never end but that's okay. I want other students to also feel what we felt during these times. No matter how hard it is, we should always learn to let go and keep moving forward. That is probably what ma'am also wants us to do. I know that time will still go on but what time doesn't know is that I have this little box. This little box of mine that I've always kept hidden that even I don't know where it is but this little box of mine that is sure to always have space for anything big of small, will make me remember of these moments each of us have shared. So do what you want, time, I can and will always reenact and re-feel what happens so just go keep on marching, fly, run, or anything. You will never be able to take this little box of mine. This little box of mine that contains all my heart, my memories, lessons, those amazing people I met, those things that are good to look back once in a while. So until again, we love you ma'am!
Saturday, February 8, 2014
I am Sorry • You are my Sisters
0156 Gov. Drive,
San Roque, Naic, Cavite
February 7, 2014
Dear Ate Liezl and Ate Ryka,
Hello to the most amazing sisters of the planet! How are you guys? I hope the both of you are doing fine. We have been into many adventures. We all had our ups and downs but all of us have learned from them. You have done a lot of things of me and I feel that I'm being unfair so I would like to return the care and love you've given me by saying sorry.
I'm really sorry for being such a kid sometimes. I can't help it, I am and will always be the youngest in the family. I sometimes get really mad but I hope I you understand. Sometimes your jokes get too much but I just bring them off. I'm sorry for wasting your money on those gadgets and other stuff. I have been trying to use them often so that you won't feel bad. I'm really sorry for everything and I hope you forgive me since this kind of stuff is inevitable in life.
I'm glad that I have the two of you as my sisters. Same as our parents, you also give light to me. You give me your hand when I am in need. You were always there for me and you really care for me behind those hurtful jokes. I'm happy that we get along yet know when to leave one person alone. I'm just really happy to have you and I can't ask for anyone else. I am satisfied. I'm sorry once again and thank you!
Your handsome brother,
Jonaz
Saturday, January 25, 2014
I • Am Special?
Everyone has their own personality, attitude, talents, and other more. It is what makes them who they are. It is the one that gives each of us an individuality. It is what defines you as you. It can also be the reason why you are always loved by others. I am not good at giving advice but I do try, but I am mostly good at listening to other people. Listening to what they want to say. Listening to what they have been through.
Ever since in elementary, I have been always listening to my classmates, specially my best friends. They tell me what they feel of things. During group conversations, I'm not sure if my classmates now notice it, but I don't really speak that much during those times. I just like to listen a lot, pointing my eye to the one who is speaking. Some people need a shoulder to lean on and they are open. I'm just happy that it's okay for some people that they have someone to talk to. It makes me feel important. It makes me feel that I am needed and that I can actually do good for some people. Sometimes, I give them advice and sometimes I don't. Sometimes they work, sometimes they don't but I am happy since even though they don't work, the same person I listened to was thankful since he or she was happy that someone was there for them.
Sometimes, it hurts a little since we will feel apart later on but it's okay since I'm happy that I was of use to them even for a little while. Maybe that's one of my specialties. Feeling okay even in the worst circumstances, by being positive of things. I don't expect them to return the favor since I'm already happy that they chose me to listen to their feelings, their problems. Besides, I sometimes can handle myself without asking for others. I'm so good at being secret, my close ones, those who can easily notice my problems, can't find out what's wrong. I am able to work out some problems on my own.
Maybe another ability I have is to separate my feelings for different people and different occasions. For example, I'm a little bit annoyed at the person because of personal issues but I change during times we have to work together. This might come out as plastic, but for me it is not. It is merely trying to put the anger in the right place and right time, and trying to forget what that guy or girl has done. Another example is that for example, I am mad at a person, I don't let the feelings affect the people surrounding him or her. I can easily turn my frown all the way around.
As you see, I have my own share of "skills" too and I'm sure other people too. God made us all different. Our imperfections make us perfect. The weakness of others may be the strengths of the other. That is one reason why we are always best as a team. We fall but someone else supports us and if they fall, we support them. This is why we always need each other to feel alive, to know why we are here, to know who we are.
Ever since in elementary, I have been always listening to my classmates, specially my best friends. They tell me what they feel of things. During group conversations, I'm not sure if my classmates now notice it, but I don't really speak that much during those times. I just like to listen a lot, pointing my eye to the one who is speaking. Some people need a shoulder to lean on and they are open. I'm just happy that it's okay for some people that they have someone to talk to. It makes me feel important. It makes me feel that I am needed and that I can actually do good for some people. Sometimes, I give them advice and sometimes I don't. Sometimes they work, sometimes they don't but I am happy since even though they don't work, the same person I listened to was thankful since he or she was happy that someone was there for them.
Sometimes, it hurts a little since we will feel apart later on but it's okay since I'm happy that I was of use to them even for a little while. Maybe that's one of my specialties. Feeling okay even in the worst circumstances, by being positive of things. I don't expect them to return the favor since I'm already happy that they chose me to listen to their feelings, their problems. Besides, I sometimes can handle myself without asking for others. I'm so good at being secret, my close ones, those who can easily notice my problems, can't find out what's wrong. I am able to work out some problems on my own.
Maybe another ability I have is to separate my feelings for different people and different occasions. For example, I'm a little bit annoyed at the person because of personal issues but I change during times we have to work together. This might come out as plastic, but for me it is not. It is merely trying to put the anger in the right place and right time, and trying to forget what that guy or girl has done. Another example is that for example, I am mad at a person, I don't let the feelings affect the people surrounding him or her. I can easily turn my frown all the way around.
As you see, I have my own share of "skills" too and I'm sure other people too. God made us all different. Our imperfections make us perfect. The weakness of others may be the strengths of the other. That is one reason why we are always best as a team. We fall but someone else supports us and if they fall, we support them. This is why we always need each other to feel alive, to know why we are here, to know who we are.
Friday, January 24, 2014
A Letter • To God, For My Parents
Dear God,
God, here is my prayer. You are the one who guides us through our everyday lives. You make sure that we are unharmed and stronger each day. I would like to be sorry for all of the things I've done. For all of the pain I have caused to my love ones. I'm sure that it wasn't my intention to do those hurtful things. Please keep on guiding us no matter what happens. Please give everyone what each other needs I would also like to thank You for the blessings that you have given to me, my friends, my family, and everyone in this world but I'm specially thankful for giving me the most amazing parents ever.
My parents have been really supporting me all these years. They have raised me well and I would want to be just like them when I grow old. I am also a little bit proud that I haven't said swear words. There were close times but I was able to change the words into other words They have accepted me for what I am. Especially when I started liking Lady Gaga. I know that Lady Gaga has a bad image for other people and I see other parents forcing their children to not like Lady Gaga but they supported me. They even watched with me Lady Gaga's iTunes Festival. They didn't get mad when my sister bought me a Lady Gaga album. I am a little bit spoiled. I always ask them to buy me this and that and most oftentimes they do because they want me to be happy but when they do say no, it's okay for me since I know that they had already bought me a lot of stuff. Those gadgets and gizmos that I'm not even able to use anymore, instead of making me use them, they try to use them so that they would not be wasted. It really makes me happy that they don't get angry. No matter what my grades are, they will be "It's fine, we know that you did your best." I remember this one time that I made very gross valentine cards for them. They were really happy about it and I'm happy that they didn't throw it away because it was sure disgusting. It was my bad handwriting plus my ugly creativity. They let me nurture my talent. My talent in instruments and other more.
God, thank You for giving the best combination of parents. My mom and dad are the perfect team. It's like perfect taste of sweet and sour. My dad usually gives us the happiness each night. He makes his face weird just for us to be happy. My mom is usually the one who manages the family. She knows what and what is not to do. They have shared their childhood and love moments that make me and my sisters chuckle each time. They have listened to each of my problems and they always tried their best to solve it. I don't say or show anything but they do know that I have a problem and they sometimes force me to tell what my problem is, and if I'm being stubborn, they just make jokes just to make me forget that problem.
So God, I really thank You for answering my prayers but I think it's time You answer their prayers. Give them what they deserve. Give them the love and care equal to the love and care they have given to me. I know You will. Give them happiness. Give them what they desire, whether it be for them, for us, for our relatives, or for anyone. God, You have given to us more than enough but please, give them what they deserve. We are the fortunate few to have this kind of family. So please, help also those in need, give to all of us Your everlasting light.
God, here is my prayer. You are the one who guides us through our everyday lives. You make sure that we are unharmed and stronger each day. I would like to be sorry for all of the things I've done. For all of the pain I have caused to my love ones. I'm sure that it wasn't my intention to do those hurtful things. Please keep on guiding us no matter what happens. Please give everyone what each other needs I would also like to thank You for the blessings that you have given to me, my friends, my family, and everyone in this world but I'm specially thankful for giving me the most amazing parents ever.
My parents have been really supporting me all these years. They have raised me well and I would want to be just like them when I grow old. I am also a little bit proud that I haven't said swear words. There were close times but I was able to change the words into other words They have accepted me for what I am. Especially when I started liking Lady Gaga. I know that Lady Gaga has a bad image for other people and I see other parents forcing their children to not like Lady Gaga but they supported me. They even watched with me Lady Gaga's iTunes Festival. They didn't get mad when my sister bought me a Lady Gaga album. I am a little bit spoiled. I always ask them to buy me this and that and most oftentimes they do because they want me to be happy but when they do say no, it's okay for me since I know that they had already bought me a lot of stuff. Those gadgets and gizmos that I'm not even able to use anymore, instead of making me use them, they try to use them so that they would not be wasted. It really makes me happy that they don't get angry. No matter what my grades are, they will be "It's fine, we know that you did your best." I remember this one time that I made very gross valentine cards for them. They were really happy about it and I'm happy that they didn't throw it away because it was sure disgusting. It was my bad handwriting plus my ugly creativity. They let me nurture my talent. My talent in instruments and other more.
God, thank You for giving the best combination of parents. My mom and dad are the perfect team. It's like perfect taste of sweet and sour. My dad usually gives us the happiness each night. He makes his face weird just for us to be happy. My mom is usually the one who manages the family. She knows what and what is not to do. They have shared their childhood and love moments that make me and my sisters chuckle each time. They have listened to each of my problems and they always tried their best to solve it. I don't say or show anything but they do know that I have a problem and they sometimes force me to tell what my problem is, and if I'm being stubborn, they just make jokes just to make me forget that problem.
So God, I really thank You for answering my prayers but I think it's time You answer their prayers. Give them what they deserve. Give them the love and care equal to the love and care they have given to me. I know You will. Give them happiness. Give them what they desire, whether it be for them, for us, for our relatives, or for anyone. God, You have given to us more than enough but please, give them what they deserve. We are the fortunate few to have this kind of family. So please, help also those in need, give to all of us Your everlasting light.
A Happy and Contented boy,
Jonaz
Friday, January 17, 2014
Box • Those Bitter Sweet Boxes
Each of us have regrets. You know you have a regret if you think, "What if?" It can be from a wrong decision or anywhere else and to be frank, I have no regrets. Maybe I do, but I like to keep them in a small box. A small box that I've kept somewhere even I don't know. A small box that I would open after I become successful in life. I would open it and then say, "What? I really did that? I'm so stupid!" I would never abandon any kind of memory, I just like to keep it inside so that I will be able to keep moving forward. Today, I have opened that box for reasons and now I would like to share to you what I saw.
Okay in that little box I saw that I opened more, no, a lot, of boxes. Some were small, some were big but they held all the same content. Okay so here it goes. I regret those times I ate too much chocolate last year, and maybe the year before that too, and maybe the year before that also. Now that I think back on it, I think that I did eat a lot of chocolates. Actually, those chocolates were from my relatives in different countries who are so very kind to give us chocolates of different varieties each year. I specially like those dark chocolate ones. Maybe as you can see, I kind of regret eating those many chocolates. I have been gaining more skin. I did try to burn those fats by dancing to Just Dance 2014 videos in YouTube and also some Lady Gaga's choreography in different songs. My family was proud of the sweat I'm giving off during those times but I guess those pumping, kicking, and moving weren't enough to get rid of them fats. I have been eating lots of healthy foods too but I guess the sweets weighed more than dancing and eating healthy.
In addition to exercises and eating healthy, I have thought of another way to avoid this pain and agony. Okay, I exaggerated but seriously, I have been thinking that if I can't stop eating them, I would just spread them in days. So that the fats I get won't be concentrated in one day so that my exercises will still be effective. Especially now, my cousins, you know the ones I've been telling you about, are actually back now in the Philippines and they did sure bring a lot of chocolates and so far, I have been doing good. Those packs and boxes of chocolate were not yet opened and I'm so proud of it. I was able to overcome this temptation of opening them. They are actually beside me right now.
We throw this boxes sometime later on after they are emptied but these memories, all of these, are kept in that small, little box in a place even I don't know. I am sure that I won't throw that box away because it is what made me to be me today. I'll keep it and then after I get my figure that I always wanted, I would re-open that box and be proud to say to everyone, "Hey, everybody! This was me, and this is me now!"
Okay in that little box I saw that I opened more, no, a lot, of boxes. Some were small, some were big but they held all the same content. Okay so here it goes. I regret those times I ate too much chocolate last year, and maybe the year before that too, and maybe the year before that also. Now that I think back on it, I think that I did eat a lot of chocolates. Actually, those chocolates were from my relatives in different countries who are so very kind to give us chocolates of different varieties each year. I specially like those dark chocolate ones. Maybe as you can see, I kind of regret eating those many chocolates. I have been gaining more skin. I did try to burn those fats by dancing to Just Dance 2014 videos in YouTube and also some Lady Gaga's choreography in different songs. My family was proud of the sweat I'm giving off during those times but I guess those pumping, kicking, and moving weren't enough to get rid of them fats. I have been eating lots of healthy foods too but I guess the sweets weighed more than dancing and eating healthy.
In addition to exercises and eating healthy, I have thought of another way to avoid this pain and agony. Okay, I exaggerated but seriously, I have been thinking that if I can't stop eating them, I would just spread them in days. So that the fats I get won't be concentrated in one day so that my exercises will still be effective. Especially now, my cousins, you know the ones I've been telling you about, are actually back now in the Philippines and they did sure bring a lot of chocolates and so far, I have been doing good. Those packs and boxes of chocolate were not yet opened and I'm so proud of it. I was able to overcome this temptation of opening them. They are actually beside me right now.
We throw this boxes sometime later on after they are emptied but these memories, all of these, are kept in that small, little box in a place even I don't know. I am sure that I won't throw that box away because it is what made me to be me today. I'll keep it and then after I get my figure that I always wanted, I would re-open that box and be proud to say to everyone, "Hey, everybody! This was me, and this is me now!"
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