Depressed

So lately these days, I have been feeling down, as in REALLY DOWN. I don't even know what to do and I just somewhere to express this feelings I have. All of this negativity inside me that is about to explode. It's better off posting it here rather than my social media accounts because no one would be really be able to see this. Yeh, probably no one because I am invincible just like that.

So, depression. I feel like people's lives can go on even without me. Like I'm very insignificant and just nothing. People would come to me if they need stuff and then they just go. I love the feeling of being needed but it only lasts for like 3 seconds.

I know I have my family and I really love them very much. That's why I'm staying strong because I don't want them to be down just because of me. Specially right now that I am a senior student. They just have hopes for me that I really want to accomplish but I just feel so empty. They have given me more than enough love but why do I still have this emptiness in me.

I also have my friends and of course I appreciate them for being there but I don't really have a friend. Like someone who is always there for you. Often times, I would find myself alone in class with no one to be with and everyone will be with their groups and I will travel all around the room just to find somewhere that I will fit in. Why am I like this? Why can't I be like that?

I feel that someone can replace me. My talents, are talents anyone can learn easily if they just practice really hard. Just like the piano, everyone can be a pianist if they just believe. A computer guy, I usually get those skills from the internet in which everyone can see and learn.

I know that this is bad but I also know what is the right thing to do. I know what is good but why can't I incorporate it into myself. Why can't I be myself. I would always try to be myself but the thing is being myself isn't like being everyone else. Being myself is like the minority. I feel like everything is oppressed against me.

I feel so under appreciated yet probably I don't even need that much appreciation. I don't really know what I'm doing.

I feel so depressed yet I do not show it to anyone. Why am I like this? In school, I would separate this depression and be like my jolly old self because I do not want people to be down because of me. I am already a heavy burden and I don't want myself to become heavier to them. I just want to be happy but at the end of the day, I can't stop thinking of this and that. I always laugh and be happy but I m wearing a mask, a mask that protects me from hardships yet they still seem to pass through my cover, maybe behind my head.

I just want to shout something, anything. I just want to AHHHHHHH. I want to express all of this negativity without hurting anybody but this negativity affects how I think of people, and how they think of me.

I know that every life has a meaning and mine probably has too, I hope so. I wouldn't want to end my life just because of this yet at the same time, ARGHH. I had near experiences of wanting to give up and just end it right here, right now. But I want to be someone yet I still feel like no one. I just really don't want this anymore. I am tired. I am broken. Yet if you fix something, you could always see those cracks that's why I use a facade that always breaks. I am broken.